


stretch out your legs and settle down

by hiroshimalovers



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 04:36:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2568398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiroshimalovers/pseuds/hiroshimalovers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wrong wrong wrong, I repeat it and it feels weird rolling around my mouth but it sounds right too because I am wrong, I am wrong like a South wind blowing cold air.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stretch out your legs and settle down

**Author's Note:**

> See warnings, please.
> 
> Crossposted to tumblr. I apologize for consistencies in capitulation and grammar. Many of the grammar errors are stylistic.

There are drugs on the table, stark white against the dark brown grain and the are falling into the ridges.

I’m Grantaire and my name sounds like capital R and I like that. I like the vodka and I like fucking up your life. I like E too but I don’t know his name.

Hi. Hihihihihi.

There aren’t any drugs on my table but that’s because I took them or maybe I lost them and it’s very sad because I was looking for the drugs on my table but they weren’t there and I was looking for you too E but you weren’t there why weren’t you there.

I don’t think you’ve ever done drugs your hands are too soft and you look at me like I’m wrong, so wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong, I repeat it and it feels weird rolling around my mouth but it sounds right too because I am wrong, I am wrong like a South wind blowing cold air.

I turned in a paper once before I dropped out and now I just lay on the floor. Sometimes I go out with money but I lose it when I go out. I don’t remember what happens but you brought me home once, E and your friends, C and C, they see me.

Hi,  
I don’t think you see me.

I leave this on your front step. At least, I think it is your front step because I don’t know if I know where you live. I don’t know much of anything.

High school dropout, drug addict. I am a walking cliche and E’s going to be a lawyer, you’re going to be a lawyer, that’s so amazing.

You say you want to change the world and that’s so funny, I laugh and laugh and laugh because you can’t change the world ,there will always be fuck ups like me, I say and you look so sad, your blue eyes are so wide and you look like an angel.

That does not do you justice. I called my drug dealer an angel once when he first gave me heroin and I was flying so very high and he punched me, but I was flying so so so high. You make me fly too E, but you are not an angel. You are a god or maybe even higher but I can’t think that fast I can’t think at all.

No one talks to me but you do E you talk to me why? you shouldn’t you are a god you are a king (and you didn’t like that so I said it again and again and again you are a king E a king!) why do you stoop to my level? I saw your friends pull you aside telling you don’t talk to him, he is crazy, he is drugs he will drag you down but you didn’t care did you.

I want to be you E but I really really don’t because you always look like you have a stick up your ass. Someone I knew did that once and then they went to the hospital. I want to be you but you are too too good and I love you I worship you you are too too good.

Hi,  
I love you.

I left this one at your front step too and you smile down at me and say yes, you got it and it’s nice because even though you talk, it’s not good talking, not to me 

You yell and yell and yell and I sometimes yell back but mostly I just drink and sometimes I cry but wine wine wine is a better medicine than any antidepressant I have ever taken but then again I tried them a few times and it wasn’t in the right way

I try a lot of things. I’m not very good at stopping.

E e e I don’t even know your name I’m so sad and that sounds funny. Saaaaaaaaad. It sounds kind of like a goat E, E you’re a goat! You are a goat a goat a goat that starts with a G am I G? (no, you’re R, and I laugh because of course you know E you’re always right you’re E)

why do you call me E? you ask. I laugh at you because that’s your name and your face slips. I wonder if your face is so perfect because you wear make up and you look at me crooked and tell me you’re not willing to support an industry that demoralizes women and I understood it then but now

Now I have the white stuff in my veins and I don’t remember what demoralize means but it must be bad you never talk about good things do you 

Are you happy E? I’m not I’m not at all and you sigh because you know why else would I drink so much? Why do I have the white stuff inside of me?

Hi,  
Why why why why

You knock on my door (this is a first, this is a first because normally it is me pounding away on yours or laughing and laughing and laughing until I am sobbing why would I sob I have white powder I am happy aren’t I tell me I’m happy, E tell me please and I am shaking and can hardly breathe

I think you held me E but I don’t know and I don’t know so many things - high school dropout remember and you say 

my name is Enjolras 

and I cry harder I am hysterical I know your name I will ruin your name I will ruin you I will ruin everything that is why I am alive that is why I am not dead

I tried so hard to die, I tell you, I tried so hard E but it didn’t work that’s why I have these stripes I didn’t try hard enough and then everything was white and I didn’t even have the powder I try so hard E and it never ever works

E’s breath is slow and steady but his heart races and you just press your face to my hair and I am nothing I am nothing get away from me and I am screaming loudly too loud and there is a knock from the wall and E does nothing he just stands there

stop with the drugs, Grantaire and that is my name he knows my name he knows my name! A god has learned my name I do not need anything but him I can love him without anything he knows my name!

he knows my name my name my name is ugly and terrible but he is beautiful he is so beautiful and he can be cruel I know I know but he is beautiful.

He is the muse I did not want, that I did not know that could exist and I have a million pages covered in him his face his arms his smile and a painting or two or three and I slide one under his door

Hi,   
hihihihihi iloveyou

There is a day when he will stop with me and my drugs and everything and I know this but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when I run out of drugs and  
and I can’t get more because my dealer is in jail and I am moaning and no I would not cry I cannot cry youare the only one who can make me cry E you are powerful you just don’t know it all yet and you are gone and there is no one else

I am lying in the middle of the floor without drugs and it is my last bottle of wine and I have no money so I scribble on the floorboards and there is a hole in the plaster of the wall and I don’t know what it’s from I don’t know where I got that lamp or those scars and I am painfully sober

the light hurts my eyes and it is almost good you aren’t here E because you would blind me and I cry too much near you already you don’t need to see me here my best is already terrible but I have no drugs and my leg hurts because I fell trying to turn on the light and

I can’t get up I can’t I can’t and I want to see you but I don’t have a phone that works and you haven’t knocked and my stomach is caving in I don’t know how long it has been my head aches and my wrist seems see through but maybe it’s always been like that because

I am fucked up

Maybe I finally fucked you up E and you finally came to your senses and left me behind

It’s cold it’s very cold and that might be snow outside of the window and you aren’t here still and I am lost I am so very lost and I can hardly move my hand and I think those are my rips protruding those are my ribs E I am a high school drop out I love you where are you where are you

Hi,  
this is on the floorboards  
i miss you

R

I think this is the first time I remember to sign my name but that’s okay because it’s the last time too, because it is very very dark and my eyelids are heavy

 

you are screaming E why are you screaming, don’t scream it’s not a good look on you (who am I kidding, everything is a good look on you, you are beautiful) but don’t scream and it hurts as I get picked up and carried and why is there so much red you wear E red but not this much and then everything is white so white and I remember

why would you bring me back here E you know how much I hate it. I will not hurt you but I will be sad and they shove needles in my arms but they don’t make me feel good and I droop back into sleep and you are there you are there why are you there E

I can barely move still but I try to talk and all that comes out in a groan and I hurt all over E and you are still here why are you still here I am useless

I told you , I will fuck you up. Go to class, E, go become a fancy lawyer.

It’s winter break, you say and your head is crooked and you look sad you look human and maybe maybe you are not a god you are not an angel you are a man but you are one who surpasses all others

I want to respond but I fall asleep again and still you are there E Enjolras E E why would you stay I am useless I don’t know anything, I am stupid and you pat my shoulder and say no I’m not but I am I know I am I couldn’t even die right

baby baby baby you should go because I am not worth waiting

Hi,  
go away because I am not worth it

you stay, you are still there why do you not leave so I yell at you because I don’t understand and my head hurts and my ribs stick out and you are still there why won’t you just give up on me 

I get better and you say I told you so and I glare at you but I can’t walk very well without support so you hold on to me tight and I get into your tiny red car and you drive like an old man and I complain and you smile at me and it is brilliant

I could live off that smile

I try to remind you that I love you but it doesn’t really work because I don’t have words I just have scars and sometimes paints and it doesn’t work at all I don’t work

C and C see you and ignore me but they are worried you have friends E why would you ever worry about me 

Hi,  
don’t worry about me

you shrug and stay at my house and it’s cleaner than it’s been in forever and I say that and you look sad. I look for drugs but I can’t find any so I shrug and grin and keep looking so you bar the door sometimes and stick closer and all of the sudden C and C are at our house when did it become our house and I am okay not really not even close but 

you haven’t left yet and it’s been a while and you’re probably going to leave but maybe it won’t be tomorrow and so I kiss you and you kiss back surprised and I swear your fucking hair glows so I tell you I love you and later, a little bit later, I get a note myself.

Hi,   
I love you too

-E

and I kiss you again and say Enjolras and you light up like a fucking lightning bug and I love you i love you i love you and I will never touch the drugs again if it means I can touch you I love you I love you and you tell me

I love you too.


End file.
